MyJournal — 7/17/05 10:17 pm

These past few days, God has been showing me that I need to take this spiritual renewal thing seriously.

I have been focusing so many of my energies on the practical aspects of ministry. What I’m doing and what the church is doing and what other people are doing and all of that, but I have been failing in just focusing on who God wants me to become and who God wants us to be as people—as spiritual people.

The truth of the matter is that I have been feeling distant and alone spiritually for some time. It has come and gone, and I have had times when it is worse and other times when it isn’t so bad, but I have generally been taking my spiritual life for granted. I know that has been true for me for a long time. The problem is that I have been focusing on discipline as the potential solution, and I don’t think that’s really it. It’s not discipline that I need. It’s an attitude of devotion.

What I need is an attitude that truly does value God first in practical ways, and that means I need to cultivate fasting as a spiritual discipline.

Today, I confessed my failing to the church. In my message today, I shared with the congregation that I thought our church was in a bad place and that the major reason for it was a lack of spiritual vitality in our individual lives. I confessed that I have been taking my spiritual life for granted and that I was going to embark upon a spiritual rebuilding project.

I’m planning to spend some time each day, each week, and each month in fasting. My plan is to take 30 minutes each day to just sit with God. Journal, evaluate, read, pray, and listen. I also plan to take 3 hours each week specifically for spiritual rebuilding and renewal. For me, that means a prayer time on Wednesday evening, and a worship servie that is more reflective and spiritual rather than educational.

I plan to focus on God more and less on the church.

Of course, I’m scared that this is just one more thing that won’t work. I’m afraid that I will lose motivation at this after a few days, but I really think that fasting needs to be a part of my life, and there’s no better time to start than now!

In addition to those two things, Jen and I will be joining with many others in the BGC for a First Tuesday Fast. Each month, we will be fasting on the first Tuesday. Last month, Jen and I did it just during lunch because we were at my parents’ house in California, but I think I want to do it for at least breakfast and lunch during the day. I haven’t talked with Jen yet to see if we should do the whole day or not.

Honestly, I hate the idea of fasting. I really can’t stand the idea of giving up all food for a day. Perhaps that’s why I need to do it. My daily fasts, however, will be media/computer fasts. My weekly times won’t involve fasting really other than giving up my time. But the monthly times will be fasting, and I’m not looking forward to the next one.

Nevertheless, I really hope that God would be speaking to me through this time…

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Lord, you know that I really want to hear you. Mostly, I want to hear you for selfish reasons. I want to be more confident that you exist, but I mostly want to be more confident in my leadership. I want to hear you so that I can stand in front of people and say that you spoke to me. I want that kind of confidence, and perhaps I want that kind of prestige, I don’t know. But what I do know is that I want to hear from you.

Now, perhaps I’m not ready to hear from you just yet. I don’t really know about all that either, but I want to hear you, and I am planning to carve out some serious time in my life to hear from you.

I’m not doing this fasting thing to somehow prove to you that I’m ready or worthy to hear from you. I’m doing it just because I think I need to clear out some of the clutter in my mind and heart and life, and I think this might be just the way to do it.

Now, I’ve also got some really big desires in my life. I have some big hobbies that I’m still playing around with. I just got a new computer from Josh Thomas that I want to get set up to be a web, file, and mail server for our new church venture. Of course, I don’t know how to do that, so I will be spending a good amount of time learning that stuff, but I want to not waste my time.

I know it’s going to be really interesting, and I’m getting excited about it, but I don’t want it to completely monopolize my time. I don’t want to obsess about it. Would you please help me to be able to shut myself off to it when I need to? Please help me simply to say “no” when I should. Help me to know how much time to put into it all, and help me to know what other things I should be doing so that I keep everything in proper perspective.

Lord, I love you, and I want you to know it. I want everyone around me to know it. I want my love for you to grow deeper and fuller with each day.

Please help me grow in love for you.

I need your mercy, your love, your wisdom.

Thank you!

J