MyJournal — 08/01/2005
For the past few days, I haven’t been spending the time to do my 30 minutes a day. Oh, sure, I have an excuse or two, but they aren’t really good.
Last Thursday, I was leading the wedding reception for Jonathan Kaushal, and that went from about 6:30 pm until about 11:00 pm! When I got home, it just wasn’t on my mind at all, and I went to bed.
On Friday, I had a rather late night because Jen and I were meeting with Marilyn Moravec that evening. That was rather interesting and there were two things that Marilyn said that really stuck with me.
The first thing that stuck out to me was her claim that one person is never responsible for the feelings of another person. That’s something that I haven’t yet decided upon. I don’t know if I really believe that or not. I mean, if I do something that “causes” another person to feel bad, then am I not responsible for that person’s feelings?
This is something that I really need to deal with to decide about because I have been burdened by this for the past four years here at the church. I really believe that I have made people feel a certain way (mostly because they have told me so) and therefore am somewhat responsible for their emotions, no matter how out of whack they were.
Of course, I can think about it all objectively to see that the different people who have been highly emotional in my ministry have actually been acting out feelings that existed long before I ever came onto the scene, but too many people have blamed me for “not caring enough” about others and causing them pain because I was either naive or something. The bottom line is that people have been telling me for four years that I am responsible for the feelings of others.
That has made me a people-pleaser more than anything else. I’m not really interested in pleasing people except that I have begun to believe that I am responsible for how others feel.
Marilyn says that is never true. She says that I am only ever responsible for my behavior and whether that behavior is right or wrong or good or bad, but not for how that behavior makes other people feel.
Interesting.
The other thing that she said was that I really need to have some healthy people around me to help me keep my objectivity when going through tough situations like I’ve gone through here. I thought that was really interesting, so I asked here what to do if I’m in a situation where all the people surrounding me are “unhealthy” and are not helping me remain objective, and with little or no hesitation, she said, “Leave.”
Simply put, if there aren’t any people healthy enough to keep me objective, then I shouldn’t be there at all. (Of course, I don’t know who would be there in that situation, but she said to leave.)
That’s been really great for me because it has given me a sense of release from this ministry that is greater than any other sense I have had so far. Basically, it means that God needs to bring in some kind of specialist to deal with situations like that. I’m not a relationship or emotion specialist, so there you go!
By and large, it was a good conversation with Marilyn which made for my first really positive experience with professional counseling. I still don’t like the whole “neediness” factor of it, but there you go too.
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Yesterday was an interesting day at church. I basically shared with the people that we need to confess some sins before God, and I gave a few minutes for people to share publicly at an open microphone in the middle of the room. However, no one said anything.
None of the leaders were there except for Mary Martin.
MANY of the former Vision Team members were not there either.
Attendance was absolutely terrible.
AND, we still had some visitors.
I have been truly amazed at the lack of seriousness that the people in our congregation have when it comes to church. I don’t know if I should criticize them or what, but I’m almost mad about it.
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Today was our VBS. God really took care of our needs by bringing a couple kids. It was Charlie, Katie, Jaden and Frankie. Even though there were only four kids, it went really well, the kids had fun, and the rumor is that they will be inviting some other kids to join them tomorrow.
I think the whole thing went really well as a matter of fact, even though I of course have been feeling rather critical about how it is being administered.
Nevertheless, I believe that God will be doing some good things through this program for the kids who come, and that is what makes it all worth it.
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Lord, you know all the things that I have been talking about. You know my feelings and frustrations. You know what is right and true and good especially with regard to the advice that Marilyn gave to us. Please help me to be able to clear up in my mind what is the right thing. Help me to know what the line is between my actions and my responsibility and the feelings of others.
I know that my actions do result in your pain and your anger, and I feel that I am therefore responsible for your feelings. Help me to know the difference between what “feelings” people feel and what “feelings” you feel. I do believe that you are completely different from people and that whatever feelings you have are of a completely different kind than the feelings we people have, but I’d still like to have more understanding about all that.
Now, Lord, you know that I would love to get an early start on my message for Sunday. Please help me to identify what should be done this week so that I can keep my priorities straight.
Thank you. I love you,
J
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