Breaking News: Rabbi Jesus Offends Thousands

While researching in some of the Dead Sea Scrolls, I came across this amazing two-thousand year old article from the Zion Rising Times.


3 Nisan, 1023 A.D. (After David)

Yesterday, famous teacher Jesus of Nazareth, offended thousands of supporters by violating the longstanding tradition of the Sabbath.

Jesus, widely hailed as a man of God despite coming from the backwater town of Nazareth, has been rising in popularity in recent months because of his work as a healer and miracle worker. People throughout Judea and even Samaria claim to have been healed through his touch or even just his words.

Clearly, we are living in a blessed time to have healers like this in our midst.

And I, for one, was even hoping that he was the promised one of God.

However, he just invalidated all that yesterday when he healed a man on the Sabbath! Eyewitnesses have reported that Jesus intentionally went up to the man and initiated this work of healing. On any other day, such behavior would be appreciated and honored, but on the Sabbath? No! No! No! On the Sabbath, we have been instructed clearly to avoid all work. If Jesus is a healer, then healing is his work, and he was most definitely working.

Now, I don’t usually write scathing critical columns like this because I like to spend most of my energies writing about the most meaningful issues of our day, but I have to address this one. When a famous, outspoken celebrity such as Jesus does something so outlandish we have to address it.

Jesus is an entitled, ungrateful, disrespectful hoax of a rabbi.

There, I said it.

For thousands of years, our people have been struggling in this world to maintain the covenant God established with us through Moses. That covenant is represented in two fundamental behaviors: circumcision and Sabbath-keeping. However, circumcision is something that is done to us as infants and only once. Sabbath is something we choose for ourselves.

Nehemiah chastised his people for breaking the Sabbath, promising God’s judgment if they continued to break it, but even more positively, Isaiah affirmed the blessings of the Sabbath multiple times.

Blessed is the one who does this— Blessed is the one who does this— the person who holds it fast, who keeps the Sabbath without desecrating it, and keeps their hands from doing any evil.” — Isaiah 56:2

or again

“If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD’s holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.” The mouth of the LORD has spoken. — Isaiah 58:13-14

We are currently living in a time of Roman oppression, and it’s about time for us to recognize that we are facing God’s judgment largely because we have failed to observe his covenant law.

It’s time for us to get back in line with God’s will so we can experience his blessings, but now, this Jesus fellow shows up and has to ruin everything. He is flaunting his power and platform to show off just because he wants fame and recognition for himself. People might say he is trying to bring healing and justice to all people, but if he really wanted to do that, he could have waited A DAY to heal that man! By exploiting the Sabbath for his own aims, he is disrespecting our very way of life and proving that he’s only after his own fame. It’s disgusting.

Does he not remember the thousands of Jews who have given their lives in battle to protect our Sabbath?!

Does he not care that his actions today are spitting in the face of all who love the covenant and the nation?

Is he not grateful for all who have sacrificed so he could have the freedoms he has?!

No, he does not remember, he does not care, he is not grateful.

He is, I will say it again, an entitled, ungrateful, disrespectful hoax of a rabbi—he and his entire group that I’m calling the “Nazarene-Following League.”

THEREFORE, I hereby boycott Jesus, his ludicrous platform of “justice for all, anytime” and his entire NFL.

My wife might become sick, my child might get a demon, my friend might contract leprosy, but I won’t be taking any of them to Jesus because whatever “good” he is doing isn’t my kind of good.

And I encourage you to join me.


;-P

The push for justice always ruffles feathers.

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