Mad About Principles

For the past few months, I have been a very angry person at least on the inside, and I haven’t been able to figure out exactly what was wrong.

Mad at God

I went to a session during the spring time about getting emotionally healthy as a pastor, and the teacher encouraged us to do an exercise where we explored our feelings toward God. She talked about being angry with God and how the emotion was acceptable, but that we needed to be honest about it and seek God on His perspective.

So I did.

For a couple months, I explored whether I was angry with God or not. I tried thinking about how God had called me to Chicago to experience so much crud and very little in terms of a lasting legacy and then was calling me to another opportunity without ever giving me closure on this one. I might have been angry with God. I shared that with some people and asked them to pray for me

Mad at People

I tried thinking about whether I was really just mad at a few people. After all, there have been some people in my life over the last few years who have really beat me up, and there are others who are just being lazy with regard to their spiritual lives.

However, as soon as I began to think about being angry with people, I had a surge of guilt rush through me as though that was inappropriate. After all, the sun had gone down many times since the last time I saw those other people, and I was still angry?

Not to mention, I was still feeling angry at a lot of other things and rarely thinking about those other people.

Mad at the World

So, I’ve lived for the past few months with an overarching sense of anger that just won’t leave. The slightest things can trip my emotion and make me mad. Oh, I do my best to suppress any inappropriate expression of that anger (like that’s good for my health), but I find myself cursing in my mind—and using foul language has never been a practice of mine.

Mad at My Family

So there have often been times when one of my children has been disobedient, and I have felt the blood boil inside me. It’s all I can do at times to keep from yelling at them or spanking them in my anger. I restrain myself, but then the frustration level is built up so high for me that I might snap at them or withdraw from them most of the rest of the day.

And this is the kicker. I blame my wife for a lot of the anger I feel. After all, shouldn’t she be supporting me in raising the kids? Shouldn’t she share the same values I do in the home? Shouldn’t she trust me as the husband and father?

Mad on Principle

Well, this morning as I was praying, I began to realize something about my anger. Some time ago, I was counseling someone else about her anger and I had said that whenever a person feels angry, there is always the sense of injustice behind it. Anger is the emotion we feel when we believe some injustice has been done, and usually anger comes when we feel the injustice has been against ourselves.

Yesterday, when my wife and I were meeting with her counselor (something else that makes me mad), the counselor suggested that all discipline with children is about teaching and never about punishment, and I argued that when a child disobeys a parent, there is something more than mere behavior going on—there is disobedience, a violation of a principle.

This morning, I realized how that feeling connects with my anger. I never think in terms of behavior. I only think in terms of principles and whether those principles are being upheld or not. If they are being violated, then that is injustice, and I get mad. The principle has been violated! For me, it isn’t about whether my children are throwing a tantrum or not, it’s about whether they are obeying me, obeying their mommy, showing respect, or something like that. It’s about the principle of the situation.

However, I’m beginning to think also that I don’t just view actions and behaviors from the perspective of principle. I’m thinking that perhaps I see people as merely the embodiment of principle. I don’t know what that means yet, but the thought goes something like this:

My daughter is a bundle of principles. How I act toward her develops principles. How she acts toward me develops principles. How she acts toward the rest of the world develops principles. Therefore, when she disobeys me, not only is she violating the principle that a child should obey her parents, she is also establishing a new principle in her life and in her relationship with me that is one of rebellion. Not only is she behaving badly, she is establishing a pattern of behavior, and she is violating my biggest unspoken principle of all—only good principles should be developed.

So in one simple action, she can do injustice to me, to God and to the fabric of the universe itself (from my perspective) and it has to be stopped! If I don’t squash it, one more evil principle might be created in this world. If I don’t squash it now, I might never be able to.

People aren’t principles.

But this is the thought I had this morning in my prayer time. (Note that in my somewhat depressed state of mind, I am not very optimistic about my ability to implement this concept, but I might as well share it so people can pray for me.) People aren’t principles.

It’s wrong to think about people as if they are simply a bunch of principles being upheld or violated—myself included.

Regardless of how people behave or what they believe, they are still just people. I’m writing this down, but I don’t know if I believe it in my heart yet.

Behaviors aren’t really that important.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I believe that how we behave is very important, but I think I need to realize that it isn’t heaven-shatteringly important. Behaviors don’t threaten the will of God in this universe.

• One behavior does not in itself change the world.
• Any behavior is just as much a chance to develop a good principle as any other behavior.
• My role as a parent is to use whatever opportunities to teach the good principles.

And here’s one that I’m not sure of yet.

• Punishment is unnecessary.

So, what are the principles that I should be helping to develop in myself, my children, and my congregation? I still need to put some thought into that.