Some time ago, I was asked to do an exercise where I would write out a letter to God and then imagine he would write a letter back to me. The letters below are the result of that experience. You know, I just read it all again, and I can’t believe how true I think it is. The exercise was back in April, but it really seems true and appropriate for today.
Dear Lord,
I do want to thank you for all the things you have been doing in my life over the past few months. You really have found ways to lead my family into something that I think is going to be great. You have spoken to Jen and you have spoken to others about me, and in some ways I think you have spoken to me, but I’m still going through this time of — I don’t even know what to call it — doubt or something.
You see what I want more than anything is just to have that undeniable supernatural experience that is just me and you. I hear your voice in your word and in other people, but I don’t hear it from you. You are my third-person God and not really Thou as much.
I don’t spend time with you because I have better things to do. I don’t spend time with you because I just don’t think you will really be there. Oh, I know if I read the Bible, I will get some insight, and I know that if I spend time studying in other ways, I will get some insight and maybe have a serendipity moment, but I really don’t think I’m going to hear from you.
I’ve been trying to hear your “voice” in my thouhts, and I’ve been trying to just assume that every thought I have that is in line with your revealed will is a thought that you gave to me, but ultimately it’s still a THOUGHT you gave me to think on my own and not your VOICE. That’s what I want. I’m afraid of that, of course, because I don’t want to go crazy nor do I want to have epilepsy, and I really don’t believe that I will believe it if you do speak to me. I’ll find a way to chalk it up to electromagnetic fields or something scientific like that. But if you send me an angel, if you give me a dream, if you whisper audibly in my ear, I will believe that, I think.
The bottom line is that I thought you would be leading me in this church planting thing much more clearly than I’m feeling it now. I know I haven’t given you much of a chance, but I still just want to hear you. I just want to hear you.
You know what it is? I just want to be confident again. I want to be Mr. Superconfident able to leap tall obstacles with a little persistence, but I’m not. You’ve let me realize inadequacy. You’ve let me experience such frustration, and now you are letting me sit in it all by myself. How am I supposed to tell people they need to give their lives over to a God they cannot see or touch or hear, and I can’t promise them that they ever will this side of heaven? How can I tell people to give themselves completely to you when I’m not completely convinced of you? I’m not turning back on my faith, although I have given it some thought, but why should I ever tell anyone else to do it.
I’m afraid that my evangelism depends on my confidence. I’m afraid that my ministry depends on my confidence. I’m afraid that someone will think less of me if I’m not Mr. Superconfident. What will I do when someone questions me? What will I do when someone asks me the personal question of testing, like “how do you know this is true?” Oh, I know how I will answer all the possible questions, but I’m just afraid that I will talk to someone and you won’t move and it will be up to me.
I need to see you move in someone’s life. I saw M—. I saw J—, I saw B—, but I want to see you work on a regular basis. God if you don’t work every single week in those around me in this new church plant, I am afraid I will dry up. What will I do if you don’t bring fruit? Will I give up on your call on my life? I don’t know. Maybe playing around with Linux all day long is a worthwhile occupation. I’m really addicted to it because it’s my way of escaping the fact that I don’t have to hear the silence of you not doing anything.
Why haven’t you done more in NWBC? Why have you left me on my own to get people angry with me and running away, to get others angry with me and staying, to get others hooked on my messages and nothing else? Why have you allowed this church to be about people and not about You? Why have you been silent?
Is it because I have refused you? Is it because I didn’t “do the spiritual disciplines” well enough? Is it because I didn’t pray enough? Is it because other people had hard hearts to what you wanted to do in their lives? Why don’t you have control of this church? That’s something that really bothers me. I can blame myself and feel like a failure, but your Word doesn’t indicate that I am solely responsible. After all, Jesus, You claim to be the one to build your church. So why haven’t you done it at NWBC? It’s a — little group of people who don’t really have a passion for you. I’m even ashamed at my desire to criticize them thusly.
But that’s really it. I just can’t understand why you would leave me hanging or why you would abandon this church or why you would be present and not act. All I know is that nothing much has happened in the church and you are the only one to really blame. What difference would more “prayer” have made. You are in charge anyway. You can do what you want. You don’t need my pitiful little attempts at fasting. And why would you deny spiritual growth to the people in the neighborhood because of a few weak minded Christians anyway? Or are you just sending them to other churches?
Why haven’t you spoken to me? Why haven’t you revealed yourself in power? Why haven’t you moved in our church? … What’s my fault and will you hold me responsible?
Oh, please forgive me if that’s the case. If I have failed you in this church, then reveal it to me so that I can be clean. I don’t want to be a hindrance to your work at building your church. That’s something that REALLY scares me. It’s something that makes me want to quit right there. The thought that I in some way have been hindering your church is exactly what makes me want to quit, but I also know that is exactly the kind of thinking Satan would want me to have, and so I don’t want to listen to that either.
Well, I’ve gone on long enough, and I want to give you some time to talk to me, so I’ll just leave it at that right now.
What would you have to say to me?
I love you anyway,
Jeff
Dear Jeff,
You were expecting some perfectly appropriate verse, weren’t you. But you didn’t get it. You got a randomly selected Psalm that touches on all the things I do for you, but doesn’t really get at the heart of your question.
First, I want you to know that I understand. I’ve been where you are. I’ve been there in the dirt of the earth—which isn’t so bad, by the way, a kind of dry pungent smell—but I’ve been there. I’ve been lonely, I’ve been hurt, and most of all I’ve wondered what in the world is going on.
But things were different for me. The Holy Spirit and I had such a tight bond that I never had the sense of loneliness until the cross. You deal with it so much more often, and you know what, it breaks my heart to see you lonely. You have to realize that I want to abide with you and I want you to abide with me, and I want that for you personally as much as I want it for the church. You also have to realize that it’s just not time for anything you are pushing for. I’ve told you already that you will hear me, but not yet. I also want you to know that my time for NWBC is not now. You won’t recognize what I will do with it.
I like your dream for that church, but you can see that the community is changing. I’m going to let that Target get built there. I’m going to let that neighborhood gentrify like you wouldn’t believe. It’s going to be something how much money moves into that neighborhood, and that church building is going to be just overshadowed. It’s going to become something of a landmark, but what happens inside is really dependent on the willingness of the people to trust me and follow me. I’m not going to force them to do anything. I’ll bring them another good leader at the right time, and I’ll give them chance after chance after chance because they are still my church, but I’m not promising that those people will become what you dream of that church becoming.
I will let you know one thing. I won’t lose a single one of those that the Father gives to me. You see that neighborhood and you want to reach them all. Would that they all would respond to me. But I know who are mine, I will call them, they will hear, and they will follow. I don’t need that church to build my church. And I’m not going to tell the future for that church.
I will tell you the future for you. If you continue to remain faithful to me, if you continue to proclaim the good news to people, if you show love to the hurting, you will have succeeded. At this point, I won’t promise anything more.
Stay faithful, follow me, and leave the rest to me.
Jesus
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