20 WAYS TO SURVIVE IF YOU’RE IN A HORROR MOVIE

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Front Page Stuff I Find

(Gleaned from the Internet and modified by me.)

  • If a killer with a knife is chasing you around the house, do NOT go upstairs. Go out the front door!
  • Never stoop over to see if the killer is dead. He’s not.
  • Avoid the following geographical locations: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, many islands, lover’s lanes, most secluded mountain resorts and all small towns in the state of Maine.
  • Never dig up strange-looking objects in the woods.
  • Never bury pets or loved ones in old Native American burial grounds, because they aaaalways come back.
  • As a general rule, don’t try to solve puzzles that open doorways to Hell.
  • Find out what your parents were up to when they were younger. You never know if they burned up a serial killer, had a mysterious “other child,” are not your real parents, or opened up a doorway to Hell.
  • Never stay overnight in the old house at the end of town that’s supposed to be haunted. Let them think you’re chicken. Even if the prize is one million dollars. It’s not worth it.
  • If a TV starts calling your name, don’t touch it.
  • No matter what people say, there is no good reason why anyone’s eyes should glow red.
  • If a kid says, “I see dead people,” believe him.
  • If you just ripped your phone out of the wall and it rings anyway, DON’T ANSWER IT!
  • The crazy old guy everybody laughs at knows what he’s talking about.
  • If a crazy old person tells you never to feed your cute new pet after midnight, don’t!
  • Pay attention to dogs, cats, horses and other more intelligent creatures. If they’re nervous, scram.
  • Always skip the shortcut.
  • Never take anything from a clown in a sewer.
  • Aliens are not friendly.
  • No, it’s not your imagination. They ARE out to get you and it IS as bad as it seems!
  • For goodness’ sake, turn on the lights.

1 comment

  1. David

    Hey Jeff,

    As you can see by my return email, I am in the furniture Business. What was the final resolution to your problem? I’m sorry I didn’t have the time to read your entire blog. This situation should have had an easy and prompt resolution. Please email me and let me know, maybe I can help.

    I have church friends in south Louisianna, I’ll find out where they attend.

    David

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